yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
