There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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