On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
