Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize