She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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