I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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