Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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