I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
