hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
