just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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