Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
