My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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