i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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