apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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