Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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