He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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