shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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