Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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