Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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