I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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