I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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