This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
