my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
