I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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