It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
