you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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