if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
