I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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