I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
