omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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