So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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