I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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