The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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