Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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