omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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