i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize