Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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