i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
