New invention idea: vibrating tampons
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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