Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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