i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
