This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
