On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
