I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
