I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
