I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
