I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
