Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
