Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
