You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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