The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
