I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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