make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
