I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
