he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
