God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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