Where is the hickey?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
