What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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