We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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